I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
