does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
