Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
