Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I know her cup size but not her name....
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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