Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
