It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
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Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
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HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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