She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
