She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
