im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
People with herpes should wear stickers.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
