Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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