Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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