Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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