If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
