I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I want to fling myself into the sun
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
My bed smells like the plague
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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