Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
