Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
