All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
