I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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