Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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