He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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