I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
