I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
