i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
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