ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
