He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
