Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
