drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
