i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
