Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Randomize
