considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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