I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Randomize
