Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
