just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
