Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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