Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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