So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
