He passed out mid-signature
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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