Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize