Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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