We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
