why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
