I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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