I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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