Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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