Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
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Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
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State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
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