dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
