when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
