i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
