She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
