dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
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If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
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my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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