The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
