I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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