I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
