why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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