She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize