I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
