did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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