I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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