i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I just found a bag of teeth...
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
