"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
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