was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
