Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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