Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
My dick has a subreddit
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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