I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
