is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
